The worst thing right now for me is that I am sick but sometimes temporarily "forget" that and slip into a moment of "normalcy". The moment is really great - for a few minutes I forget that my world was turned upside down, that my survival is at stake, that I don't know how horrible Chemo will be, and that this diagnosis prettymuch means I will never have any biological kids - and don't get me wrong, I almost feel "normal" when that happens - a feeling I once took for granted . . . but when reality sinks in I just crash harder. It is like a sugar high - the candy tastes good and I am happy I had it, until I crash and end up lower than where I was before the momentary high. Only this wasn't caused by something I intentionally did, but rather something I have no control over.
It is so hard to believe that a week and a half ago I was blissfully ignorant of what was going on inside my body. That is the scary thing about cancer - you don't "feel" sick.
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