Last AC Chemo - Not Going to Miss the Red Devil

I dont wanna go, I dont wanna go.  I felt like a 3 year old having a temper tantrum.  I wasnt crying . . . yet.  The morning of chemo is not a fun one.  I know what is in store for me - I will get drugs that will save my life but in the process will make me feel horrible.  Mental preparation is tough, especially because the cruelty of the situation is that you feel the best right before the next chemo.  I was just starting to feel somewhat ok and didn't want to feel bad again.  Waah waah.

The last round was the hardest one and was much harder than the previous ones (although none were what I would call easy).  I really felt like I was ranover by a truck last time and they say there is a cumulative effect and that it gets worse each time.  That is what caused me to be so nervous about this one as I thought it would be worse than last time and I wasn't sure I could handle it.

I begrudgingly went to my appointment with my oncologist that was scheduled right before chemo.  The whole way there I barely said a word.  I checked in and got my ID bracelet(yeah, like the ones they give you when you check in the hospital).  I then had a relatively good appointment with the oncologist.  She was very rushed and when I told her about my side effects she quickly offered me more prescriptions.  By this time I managed to find my big girl pants and was feeling better about going next door to chemo.  I was feeling at peace with being there once I sat down in the chair.  I still didnt want to be there, but accepted that it was in my best interest to just get it over with.  The nurse Jenny got me all situated.  She started the IV line and started giving me saline.  Then we waited.  And waited.  and waited.  Time manages to go go slower when you are waiting for torture to begin, but I was in the chair for an hour and a half and all I had was saline.  I was starting to get hungry too.  I wanted to get this show on the road so I could go eat.

Then, just as Jenny came back with my bag of drugs I started to have pain near my IV injection site.  Yeah, I said near.  It was a weird pain - not at the injection site, but rater an inch or so away.  Jenny then tried to figure out what was going on but everything looked in order.  It did hurt and she asked if she should move it, but I wasnt sure if I would have the same issue in a different location.  I also knew that if it was to be moved it had to be done now - before the vesiccant (adriamycin) gets started.  After some stress over what the right decision is, I decided to ask her to try another location.  The probelmatic area was on my forearm.  She then tried near my wrist.  And missed.  At this moment all the emotions f the day just came flooding out . . . in the form of tears.  I didnt want to be there, the first IV hurt, the nurse couldnt get the second one, in addiiton I had been in the chair for 2 hours at this point.  She eventually got a line on the back of my hand, but I was still crying.  And I didnt stop until she was done pushing the adriamycin which took 30 minutes.  The crying was the tears rolling down my cheek kind not the sobbing uncontrollably kind, but still I was doing it for 30 minutes.  I did start to feel better after getting it all out.  Someone once told me that sometimes the chemo has to come out through your tears.

After I went home and ate I did feel better.  Surprisingly this round has been easier on the side effects than last time.  It still isn't anything I would wish on my worst enemy.

ETA - FYI "Red Devil" is the slang name given to Adriamycin.  I dont know exactly how it was given the name, but here are my thoughts: The chemo comes in giant syringes and is a red color - almost like Cherry Kool Aid color.  Most of the other chemo solutions I have seen are clear or have just a slight yellowish color (or maybe that is just the bag).  The devil part is because it makes you feel so bad, really bad.

Taxotere is next for me . . . and it is *supposed* to be easier . . . I sure hope so!