What's next? Surgery . . . Lumpectomy

I am very thankful to be done with chemo although I have a new motto "I can do anything, I've been through chemo".  Even though it has made me tougher I still wish I didn't have to go through it.

I am now in the recovery phase . ..  chemo really beats up a lot of different cells in your body and the steroids and chemo do a number on your white blood cells.  I kindof feel like an old lady, especially when I get up from the couch very slowly and I can feel my muscles tightened up.  And I have fatigue too . . . I feel lazy and when I do get up and do something I get tired way easier than normal.

Since I have no eyelashes or eyebrows and I do not normally wear makeup I decided to take advantage of a class offered by the American Cancer Society called Look Good, Feel Better.  It is a class for people before, during or after chemo.  Several of my online friends who have had cancer have been to them and learned some useful tips.  They are offered at several hospitals and due to the timing I chose to go to one in Fullerton because it was the next available one.  This was the same week that I finished chemo.  Things were going great and I was on time and almost there when I was exiting the freeway and turning left to go back over the freeway . . . when a 20 year old kid ran the red light and hit my car.  I was not having a particularly good day up to that point, but it instantly got worse.  It was a relatively slow speed accident and after a second or two I still hadn't really processed the whole situation so I did what I do when I don't know what to do . . . I bawled my eyes out.  So many things were running through my head like Really Universe??  Have I not been through enough already??  I just finished chemo so now I get broadsided?  I felt very weak and vulnerable and lost at that moment.  Before I really processed everything there were a couple of guys at my window asking me if I was hurt or needed medical assistance   One called the police too.  They seemed a little lost and I found it hard to find the words to reply to them . . .all I could do was cry.  And cry and cry.  I couldn't help it.  The more I tried not to cry, the more I cried.  So I just let it all out and cried for a few minutes more.  One of the guys that came to help asked me if I could move my car and I just cried.  I don't think I ever answered him.  After a few more minutes I did move my car out of the way.  And then I just sat in my car and cried.  I finally composed myself and got out of the car and the cops came and we exchanged info and everything.  My car wouldn't run though so the cop called AAA.  Long story short I got my car towed and eventually made it home.  And I am ok.  But my car, not so much.  It was later determined to be a total loss :-(  So on top of all this I also have to get a new vehicle.  A distraction from thinking about chemo and surgery.

On to Surgery.  When I initially found out that I had cancer I looked at my options and having a mastectomy scared me.  If you want to have nightmares google mastectomy and look at the pictures.  I dont know why, but the pictures of women with no nipples just doesn't seem right.  So I really wanted a lumpectomy, if possible.  My tumor was 3cm which is rather large for a lumpectomy.  And of course on the day the doctors saw it, it seemed larger.  Sometimes after the biopsy things can appear different.  And at the end of that day when all the doctors were examining me, it did seem to go back to the size I remember it being although my oncologist still insists that it was 5cm.  So that is why I chose to have chemo first . . . to shrink it to the point where I could have a lumpectomy.

When I first started getting chemo I was really excited to feel the lump shrinking.  If anyone is trying to decide between neo-adjuvant chemo (chemo before surgery) and adjuvant chemo (chemo after surgery) I highly recommend getting chemo first because it is nice to know that the chemo is working and the lump is getting smaller.  I was feeling it regularly and it took longer than I would have preferred for it to get smaller, but it did get smaller.  But there has always been something still there.  I was told at the time of my ultrasound and biopsy that I had fat necrosis which is dead fat due to trauma.  I am hoping whatever I am still feeling in there is fat necrosis . . .it does feel different and is in a different location.  That breast does feel a little different too.  And I have been having some pains, but it could be scarring from the biopsy or something like that (I hope).

So because there is still something there and the doctor has to take a fair amount to make sure and get clear margins (make sure that they remove all the cancer) I was referred to a plastic surgeon.  The only real option for reconstruction is what they call an oncoplastic reduction.  Basically a breast reduction for symmetry.  The surgeon and plastic surgeon both feel that there may be a divot or dimple left after they remove what they need to remove.  I am not particularly vain and have questioned if this is overkill.  But then if I am lopsided it will be a daily reminder of cancer.  I have asked my doctor about a mastectomy and about a nipple sparing or areola sparing mastectomy but feel that the lumpectomy is the right decision.  How confident am I in that decision?  Not very.  Well, I guess confident enough to schedule the surgery but not confident enough to know without a doubt this is the right decision.  I feel a little vain . . . and if the cancer comes back I will not be eligible to do tissue expanders and implants because if you do a lumpectomy you have to do radiation to get the same survival benefit as a mastectomy.  But I try not to think about the cancer coming back.

Surgery is one week from today, December 4th.

I have had to make a lot of tough decisions lately . . . what surgery to have . . . and what car to get.